Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had and dealing with fears you never knew existed – Linda Wooten
The screen of my mobile phone displayed 12:34 A.M. It’s an early Monday morning, though the day is yet to begin. I wake up in the middle of the night with immense pain. Half of my head feels sledgehammered, and I could count my heart beats pumping through those veins. I remember taking a pill for headache before dozing off, but I guess the relief was just temporary – the pain was still there and it was growing.
I decided to lay still for sometime, presuming that the pain might get bearable but it was hopeless.It grew and grew manifold until I felt an emergency. As I tried to lift myself out of the beanbag, I felt a sudden suction in my throat and I was breathing heavily, practically begging for some oxygen to reach my lungs. Both my nostrils were blocked due to accumulation of cough and I had no other option but to breathe through mouth, and while I indulged in grasping air, little had I realized that doing so leaves me dizzy.
Within minutes, I was a cross of pain, suffocation and nausea. If I breathe, I get dizzy and collapse, if I don’t I will suffocate. I was choked and all I could picture in front of me was the end. I regret not to be able to say goodbye to my kids who laid in front of my eyes, sleeping peacefully over the bed. Amidst of the struggle, my eyes connected with the Cross placed over the bed and I felt hopeful to derive strength from high above.
Instantaneously, a sudden form of energy was felt enveloping the room. I composed myself and with all the strength remaining in my body, I pushed myself out of the beanbag. I trembled, I feared and I felt helpless. But I had one thing in my mind – I wanted to live. I dragged myself mercilessly and rushed to open the doors and stood there holding on tightly to the grill, grasping the air that flew from outside. Another 2-3 minutes, and I felt my legs quivering in weakness. I decided to park myself there itself and close my eyes.
Almost an hour gone, and the breathing had somewhat normalized. I felt better but the headache was still testing my patience. I moved to help myself with a painkiller and restored back near the bedroom door. It was closer to 4 a.m. now. One hour more and the routine begins. I tried to catch up on some sleep, though it was too late.
5 A.M.-The alarm clock started ringing. I am still traumatized of what had happened to me few hours back. Amidst all the pain, I’m alive and I’m thankful. I looked at the Cross and shed tears as an offering of thanks. Deep within, for the first time ever, I feared my single status – I accepted its bitterness.
530 A.M. – My son woke up and greeted me with half opened eyes. He struggled to leave the cozy bed and jumped to my shoulder waiting to be cuddled and receive his quota of love nourishment. “Mumma will you make chocolate milk for me?” “No, Mumma, you always listen to him, no chocolate milk today, we will have banana shake”, cried my daughter in the background. The helpless mother in me wanted to scream “Can I please get a cup of tea…for God sake!!”
After a while, I left myself aside, and the mother in me took over. Still in pain, still suffocating, I placed myself in the kitchen, cooking breakfast for my son, who would be leaving soon for his first day in the new academic session. All the while, the new viral video kept flashing through my thoughts, crying out loud – my choice, my choice. But practically, I learnt – after being a mother, at times, I am perhaps left with NO CHOICE!
Vibha is a writer by passion who started scribbling her thoughts under the pen name “Nasheen”. She is the author of “Falling in love with life…once again!!” and “No Longer Caged”.Vibha loves to write poems, prose and blogs in Hindi, English and Urdu. Apart from writing, Vibha enjoys motivating people through her write ups and talks. An MBA in marketing management, Vibha is currently working as a regulatory professional in a telecom company. She is an avid music lover and you would usually find Vibha occupied in her own thoughts, humming along, observing people with her ears plugged in with earphones.